Why being sick just REALLY SUCKS!

Yep, you heard it.  Being sick is one of those things that just tears your life apart, in one of those atomic type of ways.  

It just all seems so much BIGGER when you’re experiencing it.

It all started about 8 months ago – while driving, I had a seizure.  I’ve never had one before, and as I looked over at my mom and promptly told her I thought I was about to die, my head rolled back and I blacked out.  Thankfully a few seconds before I had quickly pulled over as I had felt the “aura” appear, and all I could think of in that moment was, “Is this really my last moment on earth?”..  

An ambulance was called and two extremely hott fireman were there when I woke up, taking my vitals, asking me all the right questions, which is when I then wondered if this was heaven.. (they were seriously THAT hott). I guess that’s the bonus you get when you’ve experienced a traumatic event. 

What then led to several more strange and crazy episodes in which I thought my world was unraveling at an all too speedy pace, was a diagnosis that I was suffering with severe depression and anxiety.  But that’s not all, a CAT scan then revealed that I had a meningioma (a tumor) on the right frontal lobe of my brain, and things just got seriously uncertain for me.  A lot of questions were asked, and although the doctors seemed super positive that it had nothing to do with what I was experiencing – I wasn’t so sure.

I mean, I’ve got this thing sitting on my brain, how bad could things possibly get!?

Fast forward many more episodes, debilitating migraines, nausea, and body pains that makes labor seem like a trip to Baskin Robbins for my favorite Tiger Balm, and you’ve got me HERE.  Sitting at my computer, unable to do much else than stare at this screen simply wondering what’s next?  I’ve got a family counting on me, clients I love that need me, places I want to be, and things I want to see, but I’m STUCK!

I, right now, have to deal with, THIS!.. Yes, THIS!  

This stupid condition that’s left me paralyzed in fear. And I have no idea what to expect or what prognosis will come of today’s rounds of blood tests, or that of my EEG (Electroencephalography) at the end of this week, but what I do know is this.

Fear will suck the life out of you, quite literally.  It will take all joy, all faith, and all ability to cope from you, while you’re not watching.  It will sneak into your dreams and tell you wicked untruths that test your ability to even wake up.

And I seriously want to wake up, every morning!… 

So, as I sat up crying this morning at 3AM pleading my case with the Almighty, I realized that I was seriously OVER-THINKING this entire thing.  I was allowing fear to take hold of me and forgetting to trust in the Greatest Healer.  I was giving up my power to one serious unknown, instead of staring life straight in the face and LIVING.

Yes, I feel like crap, I hate waking up to headaches every morning, I feel like I could puke buckets 24/7 even though it never seems to happen, I cannot stand the fact that I experience vertigo most days, and that my hair is falling out (yes, as in I brush, and handfuls of hair cling to the bristles).

YEAH.. this freaking sucks.

But I’ve also come to a conclusion.  That pain can also be caused by the effort of nature to give life and vigor to the parts of ourselves that have become lifeless through inaction.  It’s almost like an awaking.  We can choose the high road or cling to death.  And that it is in moments like these that I need to trust my faithful Creator.  In understanding that it is a human privilege to show in my weakness and illness that I have no doubt of his love towards me, and that he has promised to take care of me.

Because thing is, God has no expectations in you having to conquer your illness… or mine.

All we are called to do is REST.