Tag Archives: Faith

Why being sick just REALLY SUCKS!

10 Jun

Yep, you heard it.  Being sick is one of those things that just tears your life apart, in one of those atomic type of ways.  

It just all seems so much BIGGER when you’re experiencing it.

It all started about 8 months ago – while driving, I had a seizure.  I’ve never had one before, and as I looked over at my mom and promptly told her I thought I was about to die, my head rolled back and I blacked out.  Thankfully a few seconds before I had quickly pulled over as I had felt the “aura” appear, and all I could think of in that moment was, “Is this really my last moment on earth?”..  

An ambulance was called and two extremely hott fireman were there when I woke up, taking my vitals, asking me all the right questions, which is when I then wondered if this was heaven.. (they were seriously THAT hott). I guess that’s the bonus you get when you’ve experienced a traumatic event. 

What then led to several more strange and crazy episodes in which I thought my world was unraveling at an all too speedy pace, was a diagnosis that I was suffering with severe depression and anxiety.  But that’s not all, a CAT scan then revealed that I had a meningioma (a tumor) on the right frontal lobe of my brain, and things just got seriously uncertain for me.  A lot of questions were asked, and although the doctors seemed super positive that it had nothing to do with what I was experiencing – I wasn’t so sure.

illnessI mean, I’ve got this thing sitting on my brain, how bad could things possibly get!?

Fast forward many more episodes, debilitating migraines, nausea, and body pains that makes labor seem like a trip to Baskin Robbins for my favorite Tiger Balm, and you’ve got me HERE.  Sitting at my computer, unable to do much else than stare at this screen simply wondering what’s next?  I’ve got a family counting on me, clients I love that need me, places I want to be, and things I want to see, but I’m STUCK!

I, right now, have to deal with, THIS!.. Yes, THIS!  

This stupid condition that’s left me paralyzed in fear. And I have no idea what to expect or what prognosis will come of today’s rounds of blood tests, or that of my EEG (Electroencephalography) at the end of this week, but what I do know is this.

Fear will suck the life out of you, quite literally.  It will take all joy, all faith, and all ability to cope from you, while you’re not watching.  It will sneak into your dreams and tell you wicked untruths that test your ability to even wake up.

And I seriously want to wake up, every morning!… 

So, as I sat up crying this morning at 3AM pleading my case with the Almighty, I realized that I was seriously OVER-THINKING this entire thing.  I was allowing fear to take hold of me and forgetting to trust in the Greatest Healer.  I was giving up my power to one serious unknown, instead of staring life straight in the face and LIVING.

Yes, I feel like crap, I hate waking up to headaches every morning, I feel like I could puke buckets 24/7 even though it never seems to happen, I cannot stand the fact that I experience vertigo most days, and that my hair is falling out (yes, as in I brush, and handfuls of hair cling to the bristles).

YEAH.. this freaking sucks.

But I’ve also come to a conclusion.  That pain can also be caused by the effort of nature to give life and vigor to the parts of ourselves that have become lifeless through inaction.  It’s almost like an awaking.  We can choose the high road or cling to death.  And that it is in moments like these that I need to trust my faithful Creator.  In understanding that it is a human privilege to show in my weakness and illness that I have no doubt of his love towards me, and that he has promised to take care of me.

rest

Because thing is, God has no expectations in you having to conquer your illness… or mine.

All we are called to do is REST.

Move On – Forget the Past, Live for the Future

3 Nov

A friend of mine on Facebook today posted one of the most powerful messages I’ve read in the longest time.  I make no secret of being the philosopher, visionary, dreamer, and charismatic writer when it comes to all things life.. however, this just blew anything I could ever hope to write straight out of the water.  The man in question who orchestrated this thought provoking message, Tyler Perry.  As I cannot add to his post, I will simply relay it below in his words, and hope that it touches your heart as it has mine.

“Here’s a thought (I DON’T WANT YOU TO DO THIS, JUST THINK ABOUT IT). Get into the front seat of your car, then turn your body around. Knees on the front seat with your back on the steering wheel, your face looking toward the trunk. Stay in that position and try to drive the car forward. It’s impossible, right? If by some miracle you do manage to go forward I guarantee you won’t get very far. If the car represents our lives then the way we are sitting in the driver’s seat represents the way we approach it. It’s really hard to move on when you’re looking the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with the car… what is wrong is the position some of us are sitting in, meaning there is nothing wrong with your life, and you’re just facing the wrong direction. There are many things that can cause you to be out of alignment with life, but instead of focusing on the many, I’d like to talk about one thing in particular… And that is GUILT.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. He was telling me about all the guilt that he feels. Guilt that his marriage fell apart. Guilt that he doesn’t get to see his kids very often. Guilt that he’s not in a financial position to do more for them. Guilt over the mistakes he’s made in his past. Guilt over lots of money that he wasted doing the wrong things. So much guilt about everything.

I had to stop him and remind him of a few things. What I know about guilt is this: guilt is a tool that is used to destroy you. We all make mistakes. We all have fallen short. We have all disappointed someone, including ourselves at some point. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s done. Instead of beating yourself up about it, how about putting that same energy into making sure that it doesn’t happen again and healing anyone who may have been hurt by it?

You can’t let guilt win or consume you. You can’t let it take over your thoughts because if you do, you will start a downward spiral. It’s like this… guilt is the trick that makes you feel that you’re unworthy, and if you feel that you’re unworthy then you will feel that you don’t deserve any good thing to happen to you. And so, as a man thinks so is he. If you think you don’t deserve good things you will never have good things. And when things are falling apart you will feel guilty that they are falling apart. Do you see the cycle? There is no winning here. In order to be free and be lifted you must let go of the guilt or it will keep you bound.

How do you do that? Well, it’s a process, but you start by asking forgiveness of whomever you hurt, ask forgiveness of God, and most of all ask forgiveness of yourself. Although God forgives us most easily, we sometimes can’t forgive ourselves. You can’t get to great things ahead if you’re always looking behind you. It’s like trying to drive your car in that awkward position.”

Light and Love,
Jessica

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