Tag Archives: Anxiety

Why being sick just REALLY SUCKS!

10 Jun

Yep, you heard it.  Being sick is one of those things that just tears your life apart, in one of those atomic type of ways.  

It just all seems so much BIGGER when you’re experiencing it.

It all started about 8 months ago – while driving, I had a seizure.  I’ve never had one before, and as I looked over at my mom and promptly told her I thought I was about to die, my head rolled back and I blacked out.  Thankfully a few seconds before I had quickly pulled over as I had felt the “aura” appear, and all I could think of in that moment was, “Is this really my last moment on earth?”..  

An ambulance was called and two extremely hott fireman were there when I woke up, taking my vitals, asking me all the right questions, which is when I then wondered if this was heaven.. (they were seriously THAT hott). I guess that’s the bonus you get when you’ve experienced a traumatic event. 

What then led to several more strange and crazy episodes in which I thought my world was unraveling at an all too speedy pace, was a diagnosis that I was suffering with severe depression and anxiety.  But that’s not all, a CAT scan then revealed that I had a meningioma (a tumor) on the right frontal lobe of my brain, and things just got seriously uncertain for me.  A lot of questions were asked, and although the doctors seemed super positive that it had nothing to do with what I was experiencing – I wasn’t so sure.

illnessI mean, I’ve got this thing sitting on my brain, how bad could things possibly get!?

Fast forward many more episodes, debilitating migraines, nausea, and body pains that makes labor seem like a trip to Baskin Robbins for my favorite Tiger Balm, and you’ve got me HERE.  Sitting at my computer, unable to do much else than stare at this screen simply wondering what’s next?  I’ve got a family counting on me, clients I love that need me, places I want to be, and things I want to see, but I’m STUCK!

I, right now, have to deal with, THIS!.. Yes, THIS!  

This stupid condition that’s left me paralyzed in fear. And I have no idea what to expect or what prognosis will come of today’s rounds of blood tests, or that of my EEG (Electroencephalography) at the end of this week, but what I do know is this.

Fear will suck the life out of you, quite literally.  It will take all joy, all faith, and all ability to cope from you, while you’re not watching.  It will sneak into your dreams and tell you wicked untruths that test your ability to even wake up.

And I seriously want to wake up, every morning!… 

So, as I sat up crying this morning at 3AM pleading my case with the Almighty, I realized that I was seriously OVER-THINKING this entire thing.  I was allowing fear to take hold of me and forgetting to trust in the Greatest Healer.  I was giving up my power to one serious unknown, instead of staring life straight in the face and LIVING.

Yes, I feel like crap, I hate waking up to headaches every morning, I feel like I could puke buckets 24/7 even though it never seems to happen, I cannot stand the fact that I experience vertigo most days, and that my hair is falling out (yes, as in I brush, and handfuls of hair cling to the bristles).

YEAH.. this freaking sucks.

But I’ve also come to a conclusion.  That pain can also be caused by the effort of nature to give life and vigor to the parts of ourselves that have become lifeless through inaction.  It’s almost like an awaking.  We can choose the high road or cling to death.  And that it is in moments like these that I need to trust my faithful Creator.  In understanding that it is a human privilege to show in my weakness and illness that I have no doubt of his love towards me, and that he has promised to take care of me.


Because thing is, God has no expectations in you having to conquer your illness… or mine.

All we are called to do is REST.

A Secret Confession…. not so secret anymore..

31 Mar

Have you ever just felt completely blah?  A complete and total lack of energy or sense of direction?  Panicked, or anxiety filled? STRESSED OUT?  Hopelessness?  A need to curl under something and wait for the world to pass you by?  What about total exhaustion?  You can’t get up in the mornings, and when you do the world spins around you.  Or a complete inability to sleep ? You haven’t the faintest clue as to why you’re feeling this way, and all that’s apparent is this feeling, right here right now.

There’s a lot to blame for this metaphysical nightmare.  We live in such a fast-paced world demanding constant on the go lifestyles.   Long gone are the days of the simple and uncomplicated.  We’re not riding horses or building homesteads anymore, no, we’re commandeering gadgets and machines that at a press of a button will do almost anything we want!  We have this need to constantly be in control, and have the highest expectations of ourselves and of others.  We likely do multiple things at the same time, and regularly say “Yes” to everything, sacrificing what precious little time we should spend with ourselves and with God.  We’re detached from our emotions, from our spirituality, and have a hard time letting go of grudges, guilt and anger.  Oh, and then there’s stress… we don’t seem to identify well with it, but it’s there – EVERYDAY.  We are completely disconnected…..

Listen, however sad but true, we need to start coming to terms with the fact that society is imploding on itself.  This “way of life” is destroying our ability to be interdependently functional as parents, partners, co-workers, leaders…. you get the picture.  We’ve allowed this to happen because we want more, need more, compete more, compare more, and fact is, if we don’t change, we’ll very likely get taken out by some dis-sease or die.

I’ve been fighting with the above symptomatic issues for quite some time now.  Have you?  For me, it’s a combination of severe depression, stress, anxiety, guilt, pain, the list goes on… and I’ve made a choice to no longer allow this to rule my life.  I’ve found relief in the last few weeks; it continues to be a radical and emotional experience… I call it giving it up to Jesus; creator, savior, died-on-the-cross, loves us unconditionally, wants to have a relationship with us and see us prosper and be fruitful, healthy and happy – you know……. that guy….  How absolutely amazing, incredible, eye-opening, soul gripping… his word is like a light unto my life right now…  I’ve felt that in my darkest hour, there has always been an answer in his word, and how could there not be – its supernatural!

Philippians 4, “5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  What an amazing promise!!!!

If you’re in this fight; hopeless, hurting, in pain, desperate to find peace & contentement, my advice is to give it to God. I have lost nothing in doing so, and yet have gained tremendously.   It’s not some type of overnight quick fix, nothing happens without faith and commitment, but with time healing starts to take place.. and that’s paramount!   I hope this has been an encouragement to you, and has somehow made you feel a little less alone in this great big world!  We all go through darkness, but know that light always prevails.

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