I’m lost in a Season.. are you too?

31 May

I’m not sure if any of you as Mothers and/or Wives are “here”, or if you’ve experienced seasons in your life where your entire world seems to unravel, slowly & painfully.  It’s as if you’re being peeled apart, layer by layer, stripped of any of the securities you once knew.  You feel alone.  You feel sad.  You feel overwhelmed.

That’s me.  My particular season is going on about 5 years.

Mom to two beautiful little boys, and wife to a recovering addict, I have found myself in likely one of the worst seasons.  I am utterly and completely lost – I can’t seem to find my words or my memory, and I’ve just miscarried a child that I found out I was pregnant with only a mere few days ago.

I’m making peace with this, slowly.

And then there’s the part of me that’s having a hard time at wrapping my head around “why” I’m here, and if all the little efforts I make each and every day to make THIS world a better place are really all that worth it.  I’ve made so many sacrifices for the sake of everyone else’s happiness, and maybe that’s where I have it all wrong.

Is it time to be a little more selfish?

… And I’m not talking about the type of selfishness you’re thinking of.  I’m talking about self-love.  The kind of love that helps you to set boundaries so that you don’t find yourself in a season of total chaos.  The kind of love that puts the important stuff first (your health, your heart, your mind, your love, your life).

So is it time to be selfish?

Yes, I think so.

I think it’s time that I hit the gym on a regular basis, and actually eat breakfast every morning.  I think it’s time to say no to coffee dates, and girls nights, and instead say yes to rest.  I want to work at the beat of my own drum.  I want to be able to say no, not because I don’t think I’m capable but because my time is limited. I want to spend more time in the garden that I’m planting and less time in front of a computer.  I want to say yes to clients who are more flexible to work with, and attract people that just GET LIFE!  I want friends who don’t schedule every part of their life in order to have one.  I want to live a life without expectation but instead I want to live with intention.

So I’m saying goodbye to this season.

And saying YES to me.

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